First Place is The Worst Place

A week ago, a prominent Dodger writer (not me), declared that "The Dodgers are done." Since then, the team has won six of seven, including a dominant three-game sweep of Washington and, just concluded, winning two out of three from the Colorado Rockies, who remain in "first place."

Now, why do I put first place in air quotes? Let's do a deep statistical dive into the Rockies.

They are terrible. That's the deep statistical dive. The Rockies have scored 28 fewer runs than they've given up. Only the three last-place teams and the Giants, who are in third place in the West despite being evil, have worse tallies. Because of a scheduling anomaly that caused the Dodgers to play the Diamondbacks 55 times before they played the Rockies once, I hadn't lain eyes on the Bible Boys In Purple. Truly, now I know that I have nothing to fear.

The Rockies have Nolan Arenado, yet another great player who, because of a witch's curse, is destined to spend the best years of his life flailing away at Coors Field. They have Charlie Blackmon, who, every day, looks more and more like Grizzly Adams.

Blackmon won a battling title last year, but that sort of lightning rarely strikes twice unless you are Tony Gwynn, Ted Williams, or Wade Boggs. Now he's hitting .260, which befits a man who lives with a bear. DJ LeMahieu is on the disabled list, and beyond that they have Gerardo Parra batting cleanup and a collection of human males batting elsewhere. There appear to be some decent young starters in the mix, but that's deceiving, because the Rockies have played far more games on the road than at home, where starting pitchers are sacrificed like Aztec virgins to Quetzalcoatl. 

They also have a bullpen of sorts, with Adam Ottavino and Wade Davis as a decent tip of the spear, backed up by another group of human males who serve up homers like this: 

We thought this @YasielPuig bat flip was an A or an A+, but we completely forgot that there’s an A++. pic.twitter.com/WapCxFPiKt

— MLB (@MLB) May 23, 2018

Fuckin' sweet.

The Rockies played three games in Dodger Stadium, and they scored five runs. They've lost 10 of their last 15 games. And yet this was enough to vault them into first because the Diamondbacks have literally fallen off the edge of the world. Colorado is like a veterinarian pressed into doing CPR when there's no other doctor on the plane. Lord knows the Giants aren't in any position to win a division title. If they do, then I will ship myself to Ecuador in an airless box.

So who does that leave? The Dodgers, of course, who have had a nasty season, rife with mishaps and injuries. Sixty percent of their Opening Day starting rotation is down, though Clayton Kershaw appears to be returning soon. Corey Seager said "Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good," and vanished into ash. They are 22-27, which somehow qualifies them to be 3.5 games back. And yet they have to remain the odds-on favorite to win this incredibly weak West. Though they'd better watch the Padres, who, at 21-30, are only five-and-a-half out. If it were only between the Padres and the Rockies, the Padres would be playing October ball.

Enjoy being in first place, Rockies! See you in hell! Woot! 

via GIPHY

When The Padres Actually Won A Series: A Look Back at The Pittsburgh Miracle of 2018

There's a great quote from the baseball movie The Sandlot that I find myself thinking about. "Remember, kid," says baseball legend Sandy "The Sandlot" Lott to a character the viewer knows only as "The Kid", "there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die."

The scrappy kids of "The Sandlot" (Paramount Pictures, 1972), enjoying a day of baseball at the local municipal park. 

Listen: do you hear it? It's the sound of the clouds, moving across the sky, reminding us of Time's inexorable passage, and that the water cycle is a thing, even in southern California. The clouds are made of vapor, which is really water writ small, and in those clouds perhaps are reconstituted droplets of the sweat of iron legend-men, their essence drifting upwards to Valhalla, where Zeus dwells. (Or perhaps it's Thor? He lived, right? I know Spider-Man didn't. Killing off the kid superhero was some cold-ass shit, Thanos. Oh, sorry, Spoiler Alert.) A reminder that titans once walked the earth, wearing caps and athletic uniforms that required belts, which if you think about it is weird.

You know who didn't need to wear a stupid belt? Randy Jones.

I'm an old man now, but I remember it as if it was yesterday. May 20, 2018. The Padres were on the verge of actually winning a series in Pittsburgh, something they hadn't done since 2014. Except that they weren't: going into their last at-bat in the ninth, the Padres were down 4 to 5. And then Jose Pirela scored from second thanks to a throwing error by shortstop Jordy Mercer. Tie game. And then Freddy Galvis bunted in Franchy "One Half Of The FRAN-chise" Cordero to give the Padres the lead. It became glorious:

THE COMEBACK!#PadresWin 🙌 pic.twitter.com/GVlplFdwE2

— San Diego Padres (@Padres) May 20, 2018

The Padres would win that series, taking three of four games from the Pirates, and raising the hopes of the Friar Faithful. A three game winning streak! All things seemed possible.

That, of course, was The Time Before.

I tell my children of it, though they do not believe me. This world conspires to crush the small things. Even legends fade with time. "Didn't the Nationals beat the Padres 10 to 2 yesterday?" asks my son, and I have no answer to give him, other than "yes, yes they did".

Free Falling

by Jason Franz

KA-ploosh.

That semi-murky explosion you heard was the tinderbox that has become the Arizona Diamondbacks and their complete implosion. Team Uncertainty has made their return to the Diamondbacks’ dugout.

At least they gave us six weeks of interesting baseball.

These snakes didn’t just return to winter hibernation, they went full Thelma and Louise and drove their team bus off the north rim of the Grand Canyon. It’s a shame, too, because no other team in the NL West seems to have any interest in winning. Just as the Diamondbacks lose five straight and 11 of their last 13, only the last place San Diego Padres have played over .500 baseball over the past ten games. Ugh.

The Arizona Diamondbacks were riding the crest of a virtual tsunami, setting historical marks by not dropping a series to start the season until their 13th frame began back on May 10. 13. Bad luck.

Since then, the Diamondbacks have been swept twice and not scored more than four runs in 11 games. In fact, they only scored more than 4 runs once in all of May. This is no longer a Paul Goldschmidt problem – this is an organizational disembowelment.

The team batting average is dead last in all of baseball. At .219, their team average is nearly ten points behind the next worst team, the woefully pitiful Miami Something-or-others. Their on base percentage is also dead last, meaning they can’t even walk their way on or lean into a pitch every now and then. Offensively, this team flat sucks.

Despite this utter collapse at the plate, the team remains relevant because their pitching remains resilient. Even though two starters have been lost, the team has the third lowest ERA in The Bigs and have held opponents to a batting average (.224) that’s just a smidge above their own measly output.

And yet, there’s a feeling that none of that matters because the Arizona Diamondbacks have become The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight at the plate. And there doesn’t seem to be any hope on the horizon. Goldschmidt cannot break from his funk, AJ Pollock is out for a couple of months with a broken hand, Steven Souza Jr. couldn’t hit a ball into play for his couple of games between injuries, Ketel Marte is playing like an A-ball rookie, Jake Lamb just isn’t that good to carry a team on his own and everybody with the exception of Daniel Descalso seems to be playing the lava game and avoiding the base paths because they are molten and they will die. It’s just all really, really sad.

At this point, the D-Backs can only hold onto the notion that there’s still a whole lot of baseball to be played. On second thought, that may not be such a good thing.

When is the NBA Draft?

On The Brink Of Five Games Under .500

When you watch baseball games, either live or on TV with Orel Hershiser endlessly droning on about how "this guy just needs to find his rhythm," there's this illusion that you're seeing some sort of sporting drama that contains surprises and great feats of athleticism. But if you stare hard enough, you see the entire game turn into a series of 1s and 0s. It's a vortex from which you cannot escape.

What appears to the untrained eye to be a baseball game is, in fact, a series of random, often unevenly distributed, statistical occurrences with the occasional hamstring pull. That's the only way to explain the Dodgers' season thus far. In short order, they pitched a no-hitter (using four pitchers), then lost a series to the Padres, then lost a series to the Marlins, then got swept at home in a four-game series by the Cincinnati Reds and their horrible pitching staff, then went to Florida and lost two more games to the Marlins. In the process, they looked like the worst baseball team ever assembled. They couldn't hit, they couldn't pitch, they couldn't field. They lost eight games in a row where the deficit was two or fewer runs.

Then they blew the Marlins out 7-0. Justin Turner, risen from the disabled list, drove in five runs, and Kenta Maeda pitched eight shutout innings.

Then the Dodgers went to Washington and proceeded to sweep a doubleheader, including a ludicrous game where Rich Hill's finger exploded after two pitches and the lame Dodgers' bullpen somehow managed to outpitch Max Scherzer. Then today, they won a game started by Steven Strasburg. Kiké Hernandez and Yasiel Puig hit two-run homers. They looked like every bit the team that went to the World Series last year, or at least like a possible playoff team. 

Essentially, all the bad statistical occurrences got laid out across a horrific stretch of baseball like what Padres fans suffer through every year, but like Dodgers fans only have to deal with about one season per decade. A more even keel would be nice, but the baseball gods are playing Yahtzee with us. Now the script will be flipped, the worm will be turned. We will descend into the time tunnel and come out on the other side and the numbers will be perfect.

Here we are, 46 games into the season, with 116 more to go. The Dodgers have a worse record than everyone in the division except for the Padres, who are due for relegation. And yet because Arizona has been systematically feeding its star players into a meat grinder, the Blue find themselves only five games out of first place. Tomorrow night the Rockies come to town only a half-game back themselves, so we can hear a lot about Nolan Arenado and his "professional at-bats." We've played the D'Backs 53 times, but haven't played the Rockies once. I look forward to getting bored with them soon. 

First place or bust! In this division, that may be the same thing. 

Cordero! Reyes! Vive Les Frans!

There have not been many Great Sports Frans; that is to say, Male Sportsmen Who Are Named Fran, Or From Whose Names Fran May Be Derived. There was Tarkenton...

(Can we pause to appreciate the fact that someone decided to seek out a 1977 Fran Tarkenton baby shampoo commercial and upload it to YouTube? And that 4,654 people - including you, my friend! - have watched it? Paul Simon once sang that these are the days of Miracle and Wonder, and it's increasingly hard to argue with him.)

...and I think that's it. The Padres already had a Fran, of sorts: Franchy Cordero, who is well-liked here because he is pretty good (or at least getting better) - currently hitting .252 with 6 home runs - and has a great Baseball Name. Now they have two: Franmil Reyes. Reyes has already made history, in that he is the first MLB player named Franmil. And while we know that every major league organization absolutely factors in Great Baseball Names when determining their rosters (tip of the cap to you, Johnny Dickshot)...

Franmil brings more to the Padres than just a fun name. The dude is an absolute unit. He is 6'5", weighs 240 pounds, and does things like this:

#Padres prospect Franmil Reyes' (@La_Mole_13) week:

5/2 - 2-for-3, 2 HRs, 2 RBIs
5/3 - 3-for-4, 2 HRs, 4 RBIs
5/4 - 3-for-4, 2 HRs, 3 RBIs
5/5 - 3-for-4, HR, RBI
5/6 - 3-for-5, HR, 3 RBIs@Padres @epchihuahuas

STORY: https://t.co/SlbhZYQ8IA
WATCH: https://t.co/hps5xFgdk6 pic.twitter.com/AKDAtlHftD

— Minor League Baseball (@MiLB) May 7, 2018

And as it happens, Franmil and Franchy are friends. (Frands?) The two played summer league baseball together in their native Dominican Republic, signed with the Padres organization the very same day (November 1, 2011), and were roommates for a time.

And both guys have the ability to do unholy things to baseballs. Cordero did this a couple of weeks ago:

and has since hit two home runs that travelled over 450 feet each. Reyes can also use his bat to send baseballs very, very far away, to places from whence none return.

VIDEOS: @La_Mole_13 Back pic.twitter.com/knAdZy8ZgL

— El Paso Chihuahuas (@epchihuahuas) May 2, 2018

To Back #5nThe915 pic.twitter.com/Oxh7xrYjZF

— El Paso Chihuahuas (@epchihuahuas) May 2, 2018

So Padres fans are quite excited. We now have an outfield with three exciting young players (Manuel Margot rounds out the trio), and we get to collectively come up with a nickname for the Franchy / Franmil duo. (After "Frands", I got nothing.)

As The World Turners

Justin Turner returned to action tonight and thanks to his mighty efforts the Dodgers lost a game to the woeful Florida Marlins, 4-2. It wasn't Turner's fault, of course. Nothing ever is, because he makes basically no mistakes. But the rest of the Dodgers got not a single hit with runners in scoring position. They did, however, give up a run to Florida when Logan Forsythe, playing his "natural position" of 2nd base threw a ball in the dirt. And then JT Chargois, pictured here in his native South

gave up two completely needless runs, sealing the Dodgers' fate. Yasiel Puig and Cody Bellinger hit solo home runs and were immediately benched by Dave Roberts for "lack of hustle."

This is essentially the team that came within one game of winning the World Series. They have now lost eight of nine to the Padres, Marlins, and Reds. I'm guessing Justin Turner wishes he were still on the disabled list.



via GIPHY

Torey Lovullo, Your Ship Is Adrift

by Jason Franz

Dear Mr. Lovullo. Can I call you Torey? That sounds a little too personal. Skipper? Nah, too Gilligan’s Island. Let’s stick with Mr. Lovullo.

Mr. Lovullo, it’s time. Your professional baseball club, once the darling of the National League (all of ten days ago!), has dropped six straight. While the pitching is holding up, your hitters have gone on their own “three-hour tour.” They have scratched across a measly 12 runs over this losing streak and hit a downright depressing .200. Thanks to the good graces of the rest of the pitiful NL West teams, your club is still grasping to a 1½ game lead.

While I understand you are the reigning Manager of the Year and have been around your players day-in and day-out for nearly four months now, I think it’s time that I, a totally unqualified fan and sometimes scribe, step in and tell you how to do your job. Because, quite frankly, you guys should be running away with this division and you’re not, so I must know better than you. Plus, I’ve seen Bull Durham a couple of times.

The problem is, you have somehow drifted into the vortex of a baseball equivalent of a Sebastian Junger book: while cruising out to feast on struggling NL West teams including FOUR series against the downtrodden Dodgers, you find yourself caught in the storm's eye of key injuries, a worn out and over stressed bullpen and your MVP stuck in the worst hitting slump of his life. It may appear you are about to be swallowed up by a massive black wave, but there is hope.

First, treat the bullpen to some ice cream. It has become wholly evident that the releif corps are beginning to buckle under the obscene expectations and minuscule run support, and we all know that ice cream makes everything so much better. And two of Phoenix’s finest, Melt and Novel, are within a Gr:d Bike ride of Chase Field.

Second, it’s time to hand Paul Goldschmidt over to Mark Grace for one of Gracie’s classic Slumpbusters. And this needs to be an epic Slumpbuster as Goldy is no typical player and this is no typical slump. This one needs to be real sloppy so that it will at least make a semi-interesting retrospective story during the Diamondbacks’ 50^th anniversary season, unlike this mildly amusing anecdote about Randy Johnson’s base running snafu. Besides, how could you ever not trust Mark Grace? 

That moment in 2001 when Randy Johnson tried to stretch a double and the ensuing chalk outline. 😂 #DbacksTBT pic.twitter.com/fOl44rGvtJ

— Arizona Diamondbacks (@Dbacks) May 10, 2018

Speaking of Goldschmidt, it’s time to drop him out of the number three slot until he can prove the old swing is back. Granted, it’s tough to make this change now with the club’s sole consistent offensive threat, AJ Pollock, going down with a strained thumb (thereby also losing the gold glove in Chase Field’s immense center field), but Goldy is more a liability than a threat right now. My expert opinion for you is to move David Peralta to the three spot, put either Ketel Marte or Jerrod Dyson at leadoff and then figure out how to disguise Zack Greinke, the team’s second biggest offensive weapon, as Steven Souza, Jr. and have him hit cleanup. Goldy can hide out as the number five hitter until he gets things right again. 

#PitchersWhoRake is one thing but what about #PitchersWhoSteal? Zack Greinke is doing it all tonight for the @Dbacks. pic.twitter.com/yMPwoo5PEA

— FOX Sports Arizona (@FOXSPORTSAZ) May 11, 2018

Lastly, I think you need to up your wrist watch game. Mr. Lovullo, you have been sporting that same chunky black Casio since high school, I bet. You are a Big League manager, for crying out loud! Now, I’m not suggesting an Apple watch, as those have been banned and are for bench coaches. But slide strap on a nice Shinola or RGM, something made in the States, and realize there’s a giant freaking clock high above center field if you really need to know what time it is. It’s…ahem…time to move on up in the world and dress the part.

That’s it. If you make these easy to implement moves I guarantee you will return to the winning ways that made you the top team in the NL. My track record speaks for itself. Happy sailing, Skipper!

Bring Me The Head Of Dave Roberts And Everyone Else

I suppose you could put together a spectacular "lowlight" reel for the first quarter of the Dodgers' turd of a season, featuring relief pitchers giving up mammoth go-ahead home runs, batters looking at called third strikes down the middle, Justin Turner getting hit on the hand, a foul river of effluvia bursting all over the field during the last preseason game at Dodger Stadium, all narrated by Orel Hersheiser's droning voice about how "these hitters just need to get hot and get in a rhythm." It has been, from day one, an endless disaster.

But, first and foremost, when this kind of season happens, you need to fire the manager. On Saturday night, the Dodgers were beating the seemingly lowly Reds 3-1. They had two runners on in the bottom of the 5th, with a chance to blow a game open for once. Dave Roberts chose to bat the pitcher, Ross Stripling, who'd been throwing great that night. Fine. Then Stripling struck out.

In the top of the inning, Stripling struck out the first batter he faced. Then Roberts decided to bring in a lefty to face a righty or a righty to face a lefty, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he let a pitcher, who was doing fine, bat in the bottom of the inning, blew a chance to score, and then almost immediately yanked the pitcher in the top of the inning. The "relief" pitcher, J.T. Chargois, gave up a single, botched a double-play ball back to the box, and gave up a three-run homer. Roberts STILL left him in after that, and then Chargois gave up back-to-back doubles, and the Dodgers were down 5-3, which ended up being the final score because the team is incapable now of scoring more than three runs. Good job, manager.

The Reds had the worst pitching staff in baseball coming into the weekend at Dodger Stadium. The Dodgers scored three runs three times and one run one time, and ended up getting swept. Now, the Dodgers will not fire Roberts, because nothing is more important to the Dodgers than public relations, and it's bad public relations to fire a manager, even though he literally just bungled away a midseason game to the worst team in the National League. Except that the Reds are no longer the worst team in the National League. The Dodgers are. I thought this was supposed to be fun, baseball!

In 1983, The St. Louis Cardinals finished 79-83 the year after winning the World Series. They started out the season horribly and never recovered. That is the only antecedent I can think of for the Dodgers circling the drain and washing out to sea in mid-May. At this point, 79 wins would be a happy ending.

What Ever Happened to Goldy’s Swing?

by Jason Franz

Something is amiss in the grand warehouse in downtown Phoenix, and we’re not talking unbalanced pH in the swimming pool. Perennial MVP candidate and America’s first baseman, Paul Goldschmidt, is in the midst of his worst season of his career. His locked-in eye, plate discipline and smooth swing have been locked up in some attic room at Chase Field and poor Goldy looks like a terrified lost child at the dish with each passing at-bat.

Nonetheless, the Arizona Diamondbacks have managed to soldier on behind stellar pitching and AJ Pollock’s superstar rise. But when you combine Goldy’s disappearing act with injuries to Jake Lamb and Steven Souza, Jr., the Diamondback’s punch and run production has been MIA, especially over the past two weeks.

Goldschmidt has long been a wonder. Few hitters across the league showed the control and discipline of Goldy. That discipline may be what makes him a tad bland to fans outside of the Grand Canyon State, but Diamondbacks fans are more than understanding and appreciative of the gift they have. Goldschmidt is one of those 5-tool guys. Hits for average – check. Hits for power – check. Good speed – check. Amazing glove – check. Good arm – well, he plays first, so who knows, but you can replace that with clubhouse leader, so check.

His defense and leadership are still superlative. Goldschmidt never makes a mistake in the field, like ever. There’s a whole bunch of defensive and sabermetric ratings I could reference, but I have no idea what any of those things mean. I do know that in seven seasons as the starting first baseman, he has committed a total of 33 errors and has won five gold gloves. That’s good, right?

Some point out to how Goldy turns the batter behind him into an instant all-star. AJ Pollock this year, JD Martinez last year, some guy who didn’t have initials for his first name the year before that, and so on and so forth. NL pitchers would do everything in their power to avoid Goldy like the swine flu. He has been at the top for walks and intentional walks since he arrived.

Saying something mean about Paul Goldschmidt is about as hard as you'd think. pic.twitter.com/TK3bTKXnuk

— Arizona Diamondbacks (@Dbacks) June 20, 2017

Until this year. Just a smidge over a month in and Goldschmidt can’t strike out enough. In 155 games played last season, Goldy struck out 147 times. In his entire career he’s only had one season where he struck out more than the games he played.

Through 36 games this year he’s struck out 46 times. Yuck.

When he is making contact, it’s usually of the infield dribbler or infield pop-up variety. Until last night, he had not driven in a run in 21 at-bats. He’s hitting a ghastly .227. He’s a horror movie of a hitter, a zombie in the batter’s box. He’s swinging at pitches in the dirt and pitchers know it. He’s become a liability as the number three hitter.

So, what do you do with this guy right now? Sit him down to figure things out? You lose that Gold Glove. Move him down the lineup? Perhaps, especially considering how hot Pollock and Daniel Descalso have been. Somehow, Goldy needs a shock to the system to get back on track.

Ultimately, the Paul Goldschmidt AND the Diamondbacks have to hope he can find his swing again soon, even if he has to look for it, and perhaps some bats, in the cellar.

Happy Birthday To The Only Padre Who Ever Really Mattered

Today's his birthday; he would have been 58. Here's one stat that boggles my mind. The guy played for the Padres for 20 years and only struck out 434 times, an average of (does math) 21.7 strikeouts per season. We're into the second week of May, and how many players reached that number last month? Go ahead and Google it. I'll bet there's a few.

Something else: the pitcher he faced the most? Greg Maddux; 107 at-bats. My old roommate used to say that Maddux wasn't a pitcher, he was a "goddamn surgeon". 8th on the all-time career wins list. The only pitcher to ever notch over 300 wins AND over 3,000 strikeouts AND give up less than 1,000 walks over a career. Tony owned him. He batted .415 against Maddux. Maddux never struck him out.

Something else: after his rookie year, his batting average never dipped below .300. His last two seasons, he hit .323 and .324 respectively. (The lifetime average, of course, is what defines him. .338, the best since Ted Williams.)

Something else: 5 Gold Gloves.

Something else: Tony was always a Padre, but before he was a Padre, he was an Aztec - played hoops as well as baseball for San Diego State - and then after he was a Padre he went back to being an Aztec, as head coach of the SDSU baseball team. This mattered, I think. Back in the very late 80's, when I was at San Diego State, living in the old red brick dorms on the west side of campus, the ones with the parking that backed up against Smith Field's outfield wall, you'd be walking back home from class and during the offseason you'd frequently see him there, heading to the field for some BP. "Hey Tony!", you'd say, and every time - every single time - you'd get a wave and a  "Hey fellas! How's it goin'?" back, in that Urkel-y voice that didn't really fit the man, but somehow absolutely did.

Something else: he was never "Gwynn" to us. When you said 'Tony' back in the day everyone knew who you were talking about.

Relax, D-Backsland - All Is Well.

by Jason Franz

The Diamondbacks have been on an historic pace. They equaled an 111 year-old record, someone actually took a ride in the reincarnated bullpen cart and yesterday rookie call-up Matt Cook…errr…Koch became the first pitcher to made consecutive starts against the two teams in last season’s World Series since 1947. Sure, that last item is totally consequential yet simultaneously inconsequential, but hey, history.

Oh yeah, they took two of three against the Houston Astros, too.

Yet, just four days ago it was beginning to appear as if the good times train was screeching to a horrendous halt. After dropping the Dodgers’ injury depleted AA-call up squad in the first two games of a four-game set, their bats fell deathly silent to allow the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes a couple of sympathy wins, ending the series streak. They managed to then follow that up with a colossal 8-0 tail whipping in the series opener to the Astros. Three straight losses. Surely, this was it.

While the baseball gods appeared to be sending reality crashing down upon the desert, those pesky Colorado Rockies just keep hanging around. Just like last season, the Rockies continue to be the cockroaches of the NL West, always creeping in the shadows. You know they’re there and you even see them from time to time but they mostly hang in the shadows, just out of some real threat until they crawl into your ear while you sleep and cause 9 days of endless torture. I mean, look at Charlie Blackmon or Jon Gray – those are some skeezy looking dudes.

Thank Rita of Cascia, this Diamondbacks pitching staff remains unconscious, second in league ERA behind Houston. Much is being made locally about this rag-tag group of relatively unknowns who can’t be touched. The human emoji, Brad Boxburger, has become a shutdown closer, with The Beard playing the ultimate wing man except he probably ends up with all the ladies when its actually time to go home. Pat Corbin remains the hottest start nobody outside of Phoenix has heard of and Zack Greinke just keeps on keepin’ on. And there’s a bunch of other guys like Yoshi, the Sheriff, the other Zack, de la Rosa, TJ and some other dudes.

11 for 11. #BoxEmUp 📦🍔 pic.twitter.com/3mTB18sfJw

— Arizona Diamondbacks (@Dbacks) May 6, 2018

Oh yeah, AJ Pollock continues his tear and has become the Diamondbacks biggest re-signing priority, displacing Paul Goldschmidt who is still trying to get his mojo back from Dr. Evil.

 

And, oh yeah, the Diamondbacks still have yet to lose a series this season.

Meanwhile, Steven Souza, Jr. is a ninja.

In case you weren't aware, @SouzaJr is a ninja. pic.twitter.com/pSry2z5e2R

— FOX Sports Arizona (@FOXSPORTSAZ) May 6, 2018

So, Diamondbacks faithful, you can remain calm. All is well.

The Depths

By Neal Pollack

I spent the weekend pondering what to say about the Dodgers' magical Friday night in Mexico, where four pitchers combined to no-hit the Padres, only the 12th time in the history of baseball that a combined no-hitter has occurred. Unassisted triple plays are more common. People not getting the runs after eating a Dodger Dog is (barely) more common. Common is more common.




But then that moment passed and the media lickspittling about the magical "Dodger pitching tradition" passed with it. The bullpen shanked away a small lead on Saturday, and then yesterday, the Dodgers went 0-55 with runners in scoring position and got shut out by a 22-year-old Padres rookie.

Meanwhile, fate continued to take a meat cleaver to the Dodgers' hopes, landing Clayton Kershaw on the disabled list alongside Justin Turner, Corey Seager, Yasiel Puig, Logan Forsythe, and Hyun-Jin Ryu. That grim roll call, alongside the fact that nearly every player on the team has missed games because of e-coli poisoning this season, leads me to think that the Dodgers share a doctor with Donald Trump. 

All this forces pretentious discussions of the Dodgers' "depth." President of Team Operations And Cost Cutting Andrew Friedman was on the broadcast the other night, blathering about how the team's depth is its "26th Man," as though no other team has a functional minor-league system. It's true that the minors have brought up Walker Buehler and Alex Verdugo, the only two players on the team with a discernible pulse, but the magical depth also led us to a lineup yesterday that had Austin Barnes batting 5th, Kyle Farmer batting 6th, and a mysterious fellow named Tim Locastro hitting 8th. "These guys just need a win to get their confidence going to get some momentum," Orel blathered from the  broadcast booth, ignoring one obvious factor: 

These Dodgers suck. 

Fate, incompetent conditioning, and poor management have conspired to rob this team of a chance for a return trip to the World Series. The players will either be undergoing endless surgery or will be padding around their mansions in their stocking-feet come October. It's been a long time since Dodger fans have been forced to root for "guys who don't have a prayer in the long run," but that time has, at last, arrived. Last place is a real possibility. A 70-win season is also a real possibility. 

We may have "depth", but we haven't begun to see the bottom. 

Padre Trek Into Mediocrity

Being a fan of a middling team is like being a fan of the Star Trek movie franchise. Hopes are raised - ohhh! I've heard great things about this Tom Hardy kid! He might be the compelling villain that the ST:TNG movies have lacked! A worthy foil for Patrick Stewart! And then you get Star Trek: Nemesis.

Fans of the Star Trek movies approach them knowing that for every KHAAAN...

...there is a KHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

You have to love the Star Trek movies as an idea, a concept, not as an actual franchise capable of consistent quality. So it is with the Padres.

TFW you see the hashtag #NotMyKhan is trending

Last night in San Francisco, we got the Good Padres - the Ricardo Montalban version, if you will. There was fine pitching from Tyson Ross, who over six innings threw nine strikeouts, gave up four hits, and allowed one run. There were a couple of NOICE (as the Millenials say) defensive plays, one from Manny Margot...

You know @manuelmargot was going to catch this — no matter what!#HangAStar ⭐️ pic.twitter.com/bC75WOTCOy

— San Diego Padres (@Padres) May 2, 2018

...and another from Travis Jankowski:

WHAT. A. CATCH.@FreddyJ_6 | #HangAStar 🌟 pic.twitter.com/EDEwMRZIWW

— San Diego Padres (@Padres) May 2, 2018

And the capper - some clutch heroics from Eric Hosmer:

Perfect timing, @TheRealHos305! pic.twitter.com/fwTjxBRDmw

— San Diego Padres (@Padres) May 2, 2018

Brad Hand came in for the save, and the Padres tied up this series 1-1. It should be noted that the Padres have a number of pretty good players - Christian Villanueva, for example, is one home run shy of leading the National League, Ross and Richard have done solid work on the mound, and there's some speed and skill in the outfield. When we launched this blog, I predicted a .500 finish for this team. If the Padres are the MLB equivalent of Star Trek movies, I stand by that.

Fear The Walking Dead

by Neal Pollack

When I headed off last Tuesday on a business trip where I wasn't going to be watching much baseball, the Dodgers were 11-10. They had two games ahead of them against the Marlins, and four against the Giants, supposedly inferior teams. It looked like they were about to ride a massive hot streak and become the team they were supposed to become at the beginning of the season.

Now I realize that 11-10 was the season's high point. They lost five of six of those games. In two of them, the bullpen gave up a late lead, and in one of them, Clayton Kershaw walked a half-dozen and got shelled.

Meanwhile, Yasiel Puig went on the disabled list. Dave Roberts benched Cody Bellinger, his best player, for not trying to stretch a double into a triple in a game the Dodgers trailed by four runs. And then, yesterday, it was announced that Corey Seager is going to have elbow surgery and will miss the rest of the season.

Last year, the Dodgers were the best team in the National League. This year, they're a cursed and unwatchable disaster, a deeply-dispirited bunch that other teams want to see on their schedule. Everything has gone wrong. Upper management clearly didn't see fit to address this team's flaws in the offseason. The roster isn't "deep," it is terrible. Max Muncy and Austin Barnes don't comprise the recipe for a World Series infield. Kershaw looks more than mortal. Kenley Jansen is serving up meatballs. Hyun-Jin Ryu has been the team's best pitcher, and he's only been above average.

Dave Roberts has been making poor decision after poor decision. He deploys the wrong pitchers at the wrong time. And his benching of Bellinger was the definition of scapegoating. Cody responded to that benching by playing a terrible game last night in Arizona. We haven't even begun to see "lack of hustle" yet. Wait until late July and the Dodgers are 17 games under .500.




Every other team's fans are always so happy when the Dodgers suck. This season is going to bring them joy unseen in 20 years.