Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Torey Lovullo, Your Ship Is Adrift


by Jason Franz

Dear Mr. Lovullo. Can I call you Torey? That sounds a little too personal. Skipper? Nah, too Gilligan’s Island. Let’s stick with Mr. Lovullo.

Mr. Lovullo, it’s time. Your professional baseball club, once the darling of the National League (all of ten days ago!), has dropped six straight. While the pitching is holding up, your hitters have gone on their own “three-hour tour.” They have scratched across a measly 12 runs over this losing streak and hit a downright depressing .200. Thanks to the good graces of the rest of the pitiful NL West teams, your club is still grasping to a 1½ game lead.

While I understand you are the reigning Manager of the Year and have been around your players day-in and day-out for nearly four months now, I think it’s time that I, a totally unqualified fan and sometimes scribe, step in and tell you how to do your job. Because, quite frankly, you guys should be running away with this division and you’re not, so I must know better than you. Plus, I’ve seen Bull Durham a couple of times.

The problem is, you have somehow drifted into the vortex of a baseball equivalent of a Sebastian Junger book: while cruising out to feast on struggling NL West teams including FOUR series against the downtrodden Dodgers, you find yourself caught in the storm's eye of key injuries, a worn out and over stressed bullpen and your MVP stuck in the worst hitting slump of his life. It may appear you are about to be swallowed up by a massive black wave, but there is hope.

First, treat the bullpen to some ice cream. It has become wholly evident that the releif corps are beginning to buckle under the obscene expectations and minuscule run support, and we all know that ice cream makes everything so much better. And two of Phoenix’s finest, Melt and Novel, are within a Gr:d Bike ride of Chase Field.

Second, it’s time to hand Paul Goldschmidt over to Mark Grace for one of Gracie’s classic Slumpbusters. And this needs to be an epic Slumpbuster as Goldy is no typical player and this is no typical slump. This one needs to be real sloppy so that it will at least make a semi-interesting retrospective story during the Diamondbacks’ 50th anniversary season, unlike this mildly amusing anecdote about Randy Johnson’s base running snafu. Besides, how could you ever not trust Mark Grace? 
Speaking of Goldschmidt, it’s time to drop him out of the number three slot until he can prove the old swing is back. Granted, it’s tough to make this change now with the club’s sole consistent offensive threat, AJ Pollock, going down with a strained thumb (thereby also losing the gold glove in Chase Field’s immense center field), but Goldy is more a liability than a threat right now. My expert opinion for you is to move David Peralta to the three spot, put either Ketel Marte or Jerrod Dyson at leadoff and then figure out how to disguise Zack Greinke, the team’s second biggest offensive weapon, as Steven Souza, Jr. and have him hit cleanup. Goldy can hide out as the number five hitter until he gets things right again. 
Lastly, I think you need to up your wrist watch game. Mr. Lovullo, you have been sporting that same chunky black Casio since high school, I bet. You are a Big League manager, for crying out loud! Now, I’m not suggesting an Apple watch, as those have been banned and are for bench coaches. But slide strap on a nice Shinola or RGM, something made in the States, and realize there’s a giant freaking clock high above center field if you really need to know what time it is. It’s…ahem…time to move on up in the world and dress the part.

That’s it. If you make these easy to implement moves I guarantee you will return to the winning ways that made you the top team in the NL. My track record speaks for itself. Happy sailing, Skipper!
at
The Teams

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