First Place is The Worst Place

A week ago, a prominent Dodger writer (not me), declared that "The Dodgers are done." Since then, the team has won six of seven, including a dominant three-game sweep of Washington and, just concluded, winning two out of three from the Colorado Rockies, who remain in "first place."

Now, why do I put first place in air quotes? Let's do a deep statistical dive into the Rockies.

They are terrible. That's the deep statistical dive. The Rockies have scored 28 fewer runs than they've given up. Only the three last-place teams and the Giants, who are in third place in the West despite being evil, have worse tallies. Because of a scheduling anomaly that caused the Dodgers to play the Diamondbacks 55 times before they played the Rockies once, I hadn't lain eyes on the Bible Boys In Purple. Truly, now I know that I have nothing to fear.

The Rockies have Nolan Arenado, yet another great player who, because of a witch's curse, is destined to spend the best years of his life flailing away at Coors Field. They have Charlie Blackmon, who, every day, looks more and more like Grizzly Adams.

Blackmon won a battling title last year, but that sort of lightning rarely strikes twice unless you are Tony Gwynn, Ted Williams, or Wade Boggs. Now he's hitting .260, which befits a man who lives with a bear. DJ LeMahieu is on the disabled list, and beyond that they have Gerardo Parra batting cleanup and a collection of human males batting elsewhere. There appear to be some decent young starters in the mix, but that's deceiving, because the Rockies have played far more games on the road than at home, where starting pitchers are sacrificed like Aztec virgins to Quetzalcoatl. 

They also have a bullpen of sorts, with Adam Ottavino and Wade Davis as a decent tip of the spear, backed up by another group of human males who serve up homers like this: 

We thought this @YasielPuig bat flip was an A or an A+, but we completely forgot that there’s an A++. pic.twitter.com/WapCxFPiKt

— MLB (@MLB) May 23, 2018

Fuckin' sweet.

The Rockies played three games in Dodger Stadium, and they scored five runs. They've lost 10 of their last 15 games. And yet this was enough to vault them into first because the Diamondbacks have literally fallen off the edge of the world. Colorado is like a veterinarian pressed into doing CPR when there's no other doctor on the plane. Lord knows the Giants aren't in any position to win a division title. If they do, then I will ship myself to Ecuador in an airless box.

So who does that leave? The Dodgers, of course, who have had a nasty season, rife with mishaps and injuries. Sixty percent of their Opening Day starting rotation is down, though Clayton Kershaw appears to be returning soon. Corey Seager said "Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good," and vanished into ash. They are 22-27, which somehow qualifies them to be 3.5 games back. And yet they have to remain the odds-on favorite to win this incredibly weak West. Though they'd better watch the Padres, who, at 21-30, are only five-and-a-half out. If it were only between the Padres and the Rockies, the Padres would be playing October ball.

Enjoy being in first place, Rockies! See you in hell! Woot! 

via GIPHY