Going into today's Dodgers-Giants opener, the dominant narrative, perpetuated by hacks like me, was that the Dodgers wouldn't miss a beat after losing their best hitter, Justin Turner, to a broken wrist. Meanwhile, the Giants, having lost their best pitcher, Madison "Dirty Harry" Bumgarner, to a broken finger, would be completely devastated and probably go on to be the worst regular season team in the history of baseball.
Guess how that played out?
Clayton Kershaw pitched six innings and gave up a bunch of hits, including a stupid solo home run to dumb Joe Panik, but he was still pretty good. That's not why the Dodgers lost.
Facing Bumgarner's replacement, a corn-fed hulk named Ty Blach, the Dodgers turned in a AAA offensive performance. It became very clear that Turner and his 12-pitch at-bats were the key to the Dodgers wearing down the opposition. Corey Seager looked horrible, and Cody Bellinger looked worse. Chris Taylor had a monstrous strikeout on a pitch down the middle in a key situation, causing his bat to float in the air and impale him in the stomach.
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Against all my warnings, texts, and phone calls, Dave Roberts batted Kiké Hernandez in the cleanup spot. I love Kiké Hernandez, he is my favorite banana, but he is not a cleanup hitter. However, he did walk twice, which would have been great if he were batting 7th or 8th. Instead, he cleaned up about as well as the Dodgers' grounds crew got rid of the liquid shit spill the other night. It was a real gusher on Opening Day, and I'm glad it's over.
On the plus side, Yasiel Puig and Chase Utley stole bases, Yasmani Grandal had two hits (plus a key strikeout in the 9th inning), the team made no errors, and the bullpen looked really good. You've got to lose some 1-0 games during the year, and at least they got this one out of the way. I hope.
But I can't complete this post without discussing Alex Rodriguez's terrible debut as an ESPN broadcaster. Let's face it, the game was a dud from a Dodgers perspective, so let's all pig-pile on A-Rod.
Despite having no in-game experience, A-Rod gets to sit in the big booth. Clearly, he's used to the spotlight, because the camera spent more time on him than it did on the actual field. That only made sense when Jennifer Lopez, looking fine as hell, stopped by with the kids for a visit. The rest of the game was interminable, and A-Rod revealed himself to be a class one dope.
We had to spend an entire half-inning listening to A-Rod talk about how Andy Pettite taught him how to be a champion (Answer: Be on a team with Andy Pettite). Then, in the 9th inning, with a runner on first and no one out, A-Rod said that this would be a good time for the Dodgers to bunt, even though their catcher was at the plate, they were entering the back third of their order, and if they bunted then there would be one out instead of no outs. Then he complained--twice--that Giants right fielder Andrew McCutchen was playing too shallow, even though he was playing a totally normal right field.
"Why do you think he's playing too shallow?" asked Jessica Mendoza, who, unlike A-Rod, actually knows something about baseball. A-Rod answered something like "you don't want to give up a double," but, again, McCutcheon wasn't playing too shallow.
A-Rod will be in the booth again for Sunday night's Dodgers-Giants game for more "analysis" and memories of what it was like to "carpool" to work with Andy Pettite. Also, Mendoza will be there to overanalyze pitching mechanics to the point of audience boredom, joined by grumpy Matt Vasgersian, who will once again criticize Puig for showboating.
Time to bring on the local announcers, I say. After tonight's debacle, these lovable losers and World Series runners-up could use some home cooking.
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