The Diamondbacks Are Trying to Kill You (or make you huge)

By Jason Franz-

According to the 2017 ACSM American Fitness Index, Phoenix ranked as the 33^rd healthiest city in the US. Not too shabby, right? I mean, that's way ahead of our national education ranking. But your Arizona Diamondbacks are looking to tank that ranking even further.

So far this preseason we have seen the D-Backs roll out their 2018 food menu that includes - I kid you not - a funnel cake fried chicken sandwich, had their all-star third baseman give tips on how to optimize a nap and introduced their new dugout cart to ferry their relief pitchers to the mound saving them from trotting that 125 yards to the infield. I can’t wait for the Snuggie giveaway night, complete with built-in bib. Look, I’m totally chill with the fact that you can’t properly enjoy a ballgame without a dog and beer, but I’ll admit I’m one of those beer snobs who will readily walk the extra section length looking for a good local brew than settle for an $8 Pisswater Light.

The baseball fan experience is intended to allow you the joy of a lazy afternoon while the young studs on the field burst into occasional sprints to chase down that ground ball with eyes or steal second (or third, if you’re nasty!). I mean, only the Padres can really allow their thick fans to squeeze into those loose units like the likes of David Wells or John Kruk.

But what is with this concerted marketing effort by the Diamondbacks to overtly promote stuffing yourself with serving sizes that will make The Cheesecake Factory blush and throwing back to a player perc trend last embraced in the early 70’s? I mean, what’s next – disco nights and players laced on cocaine? Perhaps now with the D-Backs re-introduction of the cart, we’re already there. In the meantime, I’d like one of those 18-inch chicken enchilada dogs, por favor.