Dodger Stadium Is A Pile Of Shit

By Neal Pollack

This morning, I settled in to watch the MLB.tv "condensed" version of last night's Dodgers-Angels final preseason game, the ideal setup for an exhibition that ran late. Eleven minutes of baseball highlights, and I could go back to bed. So I was very surprised when, with two minutes to go in the roundup, there were still six innings to go in the game. 

Then I saw crazy footage of water bubbling up in the outfield, followed by a brief shot of the grounds crew pushing an enormous broom through a massive puddle of water on the warning track, followed by a shot of disgusted-looking fans trudging upward toward the exit. In the fifth inning. 

Well, as the L.A. Times put it this morning, a "smelly liquid" flooded the field last night. Apparently, in this age where the President pays hush money to a porn star, the L.A. Times is a family newspaper that can't use the term "liquid shit." 

Dodgers outfielder Andrew Toles skirted around the issue in the article:

"I smelled it," he said. "It was nasty. I'm not going to tell you what it really was, that's kind of messed up. But, yeah, it was nasty, man. It was a tragic thing."

Ha ha, this is a funny story, but it also points out some serious problems with the Dodgers organization. They put out a great product on the field, but they're also essentially a gigantic hedge-fund in batting helmets, designed to squeeze as much revenue out of their fans as possible while giving them as little possible in return. From the air, Dodger Stadium is a magnificent representation of mid-century architecture. But on the ground, it is, literally, a shithole.

I attended a World Series game there last year, and it was dank. Admittedly, that was on an 100-degree day, but regardless, once you get past the Club Level boxes, the Dodger Stadium experience gets pretty skanky, pretty fast. To the hoi polloi, the Dodgers offer terrible beer and even more terrible food--beyond the boiled monkey dicks they call "Dodger Dogs," just look at this hideous "pretzel chicken croissant."

The Stadium is old, dingy, and now, a literal sewer. Given that the majority of Dodger fans can't even watch the team on TV because of some sort of screwed-up rights deal now entering its umpteenth year, seeing them live is often the only option. Dodgers President Stan Kasten (pictured below), said they were deciding whether or not to offer ticket holders their money back for the privilege of inhaling toxic sewer gases. 

This team's generosity knows no bounds. 

In 24 hours, Clayton Kershaw will throw the season's first pitch. Hope springs eternal. But if you happen to be in the stands, and you make the mistake of eating the Stadium food and find yourself hustling toward the John in the 4th inning, you might want to think twice about flushing. You never know, in a nearly 60-year-old structure that's been a real-estate scam since the moment ground was broken, where that waste might emerge.